Okay, okay. I feel idiotic. Do you know what that changes? AbsoLUTELY n-o-t-h-i-n-g. So, I shall do this reverse hopscotch until my demise. And at times it seems as though death will not numb my tongue as quickly as he ought. Because there is this aspect of myself that I cannot change. I have tried soo many times and it has never worked. It's like this odd tidal pull that never ebbs. For about eight years now, give or take a month here or there, this full moon has been hanging over my horizon. It never wanes, clouds don't cover it whenever there are storms, birds don't blight it with shit, and it is mute. It gives no answers as to the why?, the how?, or the "Excuse me, but what the fuck do you mean?" Move, set, shatter, sing opera to me dammit. Do something else other than pull me in a direction that makes me ache. Eight fucking years. Oh yes. Believe it or not. This odd attraction like no other. I don't understand it, and it dumbfounds me. It scares me sometimes. And I'm certain that it will just be there forever. Forever. I've acknowledged from afar the fact that different dazzling satellites have orbited that reflecting rock consistently. The rumor of every turning pass eroding me a little with swirling dust. It seems as though I'll never have a chance to orbit. I've turned my back and tried to ignore it. That is laughable because all that happens is that moonshine begins to burn my shoulder and bore a hole there. As I've tried to express already, that orb hanging there is not forthcoming, and therefore is not inviting. Has given no indication that I'm even welcome to be illuminated. It is something I cannot help but want. If it's not going to go away, then why the hell not? That light is often dishonest. Especially to me. Though I don't understand why. But I'm a true dunce for being hurt and yet lapping it up like radioactive milk, all the same. There is no question that it will always be there. It's something that I just know. My heart knows, and is tattooed by my rib cage as it yearns within that pulling. And anyway, the heart knows, what the heart wants, what the heart knows. But the brain slaps it around for being rude, and reaching for something not offered.
It's a good thing that I have my kids. Otherwise, I might just completely disintegrate. I'm not trying to fabricate some allusion to anything so droll as that my kids are responsible for my existence, such as it is. I'm just glad that there are people in my life accepting of the love I have to give. Of course, with kids it's unconditional. Even when they throw it back in my face it changes nothing. But my kids do make me happy. We have good times together, some bad, some balanced. I refuse to have them shoulder the responsibility of making me happy. I find it in their leavings. But that is how I feel about that moon, too. I HAVE TRIED TO NOT feel that way 'bout that never closing eye. But it's of no use. I'll just have to live with it as it is. AND this is how it will go...I see the moon, I think it sees me, I love the moon, but it doesn't love me back. Heart beats, "I wish, I wish..." The mind scoffs, "You fool, you fool..." Yeah, that's right. Forever an aching fool. Eight years and counting.
It's a good thing that I have my kids. Otherwise, I might just completely disintegrate. I'm not trying to fabricate some allusion to anything so droll as that my kids are responsible for my existence, such as it is. I'm just glad that there are people in my life accepting of the love I have to give. Of course, with kids it's unconditional. Even when they throw it back in my face it changes nothing. But my kids do make me happy. We have good times together, some bad, some balanced. I refuse to have them shoulder the responsibility of making me happy. I find it in their leavings. But that is how I feel about that moon, too. I HAVE TRIED TO NOT feel that way 'bout that never closing eye. But it's of no use. I'll just have to live with it as it is. AND this is how it will go...I see the moon, I think it sees me, I love the moon, but it doesn't love me back. Heart beats, "I wish, I wish..." The mind scoffs, "You fool, you fool..." Yeah, that's right. Forever an aching fool. Eight years and counting.
No comments:
Post a Comment