The Great Contender Pretender

nothing novel,
open, or true.
viral and vain,
self-induced pain,
all you got going for you.
always picking
at scabs of doubt.
try to hate,
strangling abate.
one by one take them out.

The B--F--G

I've been running along this cliff for a very long time. So long in fact that choices are very limited for me. I can keeping running, and tripping, and getting more tired. I can turn and fight whatever it is that pursues me. I can turn and just let it eat me. Or I can jump. It's not dark over the side, just foggy. But I still don't know what's there, where the bottom is...if there even is a bottom. Not making a choice is no longer an option. It is no longer a choice I have.

The power went out last night between six-thirty and seven. So, no heat until shortly after one in the morning. It got cold. Real fast. I felt horrible for the power guys out in the dark and sleet working to bring power back to the twenty-two houses affected. I don't mind not having power usually, just when the sky is spitting ice all over the place. Your house doesn't stay warm for long without a constant warm flow then. It was kinda like camping in the arctic maybe. We read the BFG by candlelight that danced all over its pages. We laughed a lot. And that was the good part about it. It was so quiet that we actually could hear and listen to each other.

Outside there are limbs all over the place. Trees covered in ice. Some trees down and some split and half-way down. The bare trees look more alive, in a sense, with a coating of ice. It's as though the very souls of the trees have become tangible, vapor like and trapped in the opaqueness. From far off they almost look as they do when spring makes them wake up, still fuzzy from sleeping with winter. Wait! What the hell am I talking about? Wannabe poetic bullshit. I say what I think or feel too often. Doesn't matter though, no one pays any mind.

SCHNIT-zel

If my car gets repo'ed this is what I will be driving. It isn't much

...but we all have to do what we have to do.

Defenestrated

suck it up, friend
what's become of you now?
idle scratching, raw and morose
deep furrows in your brow.
no, don't spit wishes
too narrow for your gait.
jive and jive, a pity song
much eagerness to relate.
sundered, lazy, bedded days
no remorse? no open ear?
talent and ingenuity, a loss,
buried under snows of years.

From Amanda...WTF???

This...oh my. THIS is a myspace email from my ex's girlfriend and my response. It is regarding an email I sent him, HIM, not her. I tried to be frank and to not be unkind. Was I?

From: AmandaDate: Jan 21, 2009 2:56 AM
A very very late reply to an interesting email-
Brandy,
I think things have been taken a little out of context and have become distorted through the great gossip chain.
We are both individuals equal of each others due respect as human beings; with a right to be heard. There is no need for a “you can tell so and so that I said…” Nobody needs to resort to gossip or conflict. I know it is awkward to speak to me; but it is alright if you have something you would like me to know. (Or visa-versa) I’m not meaning to say “If you have something to say you can say it to my face!” It is not my intention to offend, or create malice, and there is no need to read between the lines; I have no hidden agenda or cruel intentions. I’m seeking first to understand and secondly to be understood through this message. If I completely fuck it away I apologize… I could never fill your shoes and walk in them… just as it couldn’t be done the other way around either.
So, maybe to clear the air a little…
The blog I posted on Jesse’s space was an “I’m drunk and crying the blues, pitty me” type of thing. So it probably wasn’t very clear. And I left it for open interpretation as I didn’t plainly describe its meaning. I had no idea it was you birthday. It was an absolute and pure coincident. The coat tails was not a reference to you, it was to me (I’ll get into that in a second). The only direct reference was the “strings of marriage” thing. In the sense that I was alluding to the legal relationship you two share and my frustration with the lack of a divorce.
The “coat tails” thing… I was talking about myself. Before we moved down here I had just got “on my feet” and was providing independently for myself, Alexis and my brother. I’m not at all comfortable with being any bit dependent on someone else. It makes me feel like a bum and I tell myself I’m a piece of shit and so on… So, I felt like I was “riding on [his] coat tails” and need to be pulling more weight because “shoulders are from God and burdens we must carry too”Now, I’m being very matter-of-fact in my describing this and walking on eggshells to not stick my foot in my mouth here. Again, I’m only trying to explain how I’m trying to look at this, and trying to see it from your point of view (even though I will never really know. Again I’m seeking to understand to correct however I mislead you). I can see where the thing about “imagining the weight of some one on your coat tails. If the key word being “weight” and maybe you are sensitive to this… I can sorta see the misleading elements here. I apologize.
The whole food stamp thing… got really misinterpreted. I’m kinda like WTF?? Something went horribly wrong somewhere. I’m blown away by this…It was an issue with getting Medicaid for the kids. Alexis (for really obvious reasons) and Natalie (for sort of obvious and complicated reasons) are not on Jesse’s health insurance so I was trying to get Medicaid straightened out. If you don’t tell Florida that some is married and they find it out it the end of the fucking world. Lol. Anyway it’s longer than I want to go into right now… (Aren’t you tired of me yet?)
Again, as I imagine we are different individuals, with different perspectives, any negative connotation or underline whatevers you may get out of this message was not intended. If you wish not to speak to me I’ll respect that. I just don’t see any reason for anything other positive interaction between us. There are way way too many innocent souls in the middle of whats going to be a very confusing life.
In appreciation of your reflection over all this,
Amanda
B.T.W. O.M.G. Sage is huge!!!! Boy, that girl grows quick! I f-ing love the beatles shirt. rock on kiddo!!

____________________________________________________________________
Amanda,
I appreciate your directness. I also hope that I am not misconstrued in any way within the confines of this reply. Rest assured that I do not, in any shape or form, wish to be in your shoes. You are very right about the whole "he said, she said" boolsheet. I am as frustrated as you about a lack of divorce. It is indeed a very fucked up situation. Please be aware of the fact that however legally binding the relationship may be, it means nothing to me, much in the same way it means nothing to Jesse. It never did mean anything to him.
Wow, the "weight" thing threw me for a loop. Weight is such a fluid term, and I understood that it applied to me in a metaphorical sense, not a literal one. That was my take anyhow. Kudos to you for thinking that you may have struck a nerve there when you hadn't. However, since I have lost ninety pounds and no longer have a weight problem, I guess we'll let that carcass rot as it should.
Ummm. What else? Oh, yes...my kids are my main concern. I'm a very busy person all things considered. The fact that I am still married only crosses my mind every great once in a while because I am so caught up in the day-to-day. If anyone else should obsess over this sordid infarction, then I am indeed sorry. In my own mind, I am already divorced. Would really legally be that way if I only had the money, and everything else straightened out. I am only sorry for the problems it seems to cause everyone else. As far as maliciousness goes, there's none coming from me either so please accept my apologies for your troubles resulting from all this.
Again, my concern is my brood. If they are crossed in any way, I will be extremely ired. They have it hard enough not even hearing from a dad they know (think?) they have. Really, for the most part they can't decide whether they still have one or not. In fact, Sean says from time to time that he doesn't, and that's all I hear him say about Jesse ever anymore. I will never tell them that they cannot talk to him. Whether or not Jesse decides to stay in touch with them will be up to him obviously. Whenever they do call he never answers. It will be his loss if he doesn't know them. They are phenomenal kids, and I'm really not just stating that because I am their mother. Simply put, THEY JUST ARE:).
You have much to be thankful for. Two beautiful kids and a father for them. You have nothing to fear from me. This isn't a ploy to take your man, or ruin your life, or make it any harder. I am just sorry I am not made of money, or that I cannot find a job. No one is hiring. It sucks. Never fear, though, you will get your divorce and soon. I hope that you have found none of this offensive.
Keep in touch. And thanks. ~Brandy


I wish no ill toward Jesse, Amanda, or their kids. I want nothing but the best for them. I also want nothing but the best for my children as well, and really want for everyone to come out on the other side happy and fulfilled. Whether that happens or not only time will tell. Jesse told his mother that in an effort to erase the children Jesse and I have together from their lives, Amanda tore up all the pictures of them she could find and deleted as many from the computer as she could. Deletes emails and messages from Cathy...that sort of thing. In her message to me she seems more adult than that, but I really don't know her.
She also did something else that I cannot agree with at all, but hey, it was just her choice right?
I hate drama. I don't like this situation at all, but all any of us can do is just shoulder through it as best we can. It's at times like these that I want to take my kids and move away from Cathy and the rest of Jesse's family so that I don't have to feel as though I'm creating more drama just by being around than is entirely necessary in such a messed up juxtapositon of occurances. Sometimes I just don't know what the "right" answer is, or how to find it.

salinger and muenster on rye

Sometimes...sometimes I really wish that I mattered. I wonder why it is that only my faults are pointed out regularly. Is there nothing good about me at all? For instance, if I really am such a crappy mother then my kids would be better off without me anyway. And that just means that I don't matter. Sometimes hearing, "That's not the way I was raised!" or "That's not what I did with my kids!" just grates on me a little. Since I'm not a hunk of provolone, bleu, or cheddar I find it a bit unpleasant. I wonder if all cheeses feel the same.

Yark! Is the loneliness just smelly, or is it the smelly that causes the loneliness?

Yogurt-Burst Metaphorioes

Today I was a mountain, and a sun god, a cat cow, a triangle/pyramid with dust storms of acrid Egyptian air, a child, and a droopy dog. I bumped, shuffled, strove, and cried out in triumph and exasperation. I moved histories, and stomped clay, pinched ears, and at times I had to choose to ignore...not always easy to do, that. Arguments and arguments and more arguments wept steamy rain on my shoulders and dissatisfaction crashed and spumed upon my cliff face. I turned, truth was perused, and in the midst of it all still had to discover the damn squirmle. Tweezer scissors bit me without my permission, and the Sage just couldn't...she just couldn't reach...REACH herself! Hahahaha, can you dig it? But even with everything else I still want to be a fedoraed drummer. Where is the beat? God, I SUCK. It's okay, I can take it. Just throw a little worcestershire on it. Who was it that said something about Fruity Pebbles in River Styx? I want that embroidered on my pillow because it is always a good thing to sleep with honesty.

Casualties

Apparently Sean was in the back of the line today when he heard a r~i~p. Craning his head around he discovered that his "back door was open," as he put it. He spent the rest of the day with his coat on because it was long enough to cover embarrassment. To avoid other offenses he ran home ahead of the rest of us and changed before he would even take his coat off and hang it up. After asking for some sort of miracle glue, Sean disappeared and could no longer be reached for comment. Sadly, I don't believe his pants are going to pull through this.

Mon Dieu!!!

HOMELESS. HUNGRY. NEED FOOD PLEASE....And how. Why didn't I feed her? I wanted to, I should have. My car was warm and her corner certainly looked windy. Excuses...I was late, my kids needed fed. Really, how can one go around helping others when it is hard enough today to help oneself, one's own? Of course, I may think that just to make it easier on myself. If I'd had any cash at that moment, I would have lilypadded the idling traffic to weight her with it. But I had no extra cash. Hell, I have no fucking JOB. That little word. Does it deserve capitalization? It has of late rolled around in my mouth like an oily ball bearing, lacking direction or a degree to even steer it.
Oh, but how silly of me! I'm a domestic engineer! Of course. I get paid in smiles, whines, IOU's tallied up in colored pencil and handprints on walls. The lesser part, deciphering the muck of eons wedged in shoe treads, ties my language in knots. And there's always a little dogshit thrown in there as well, dragged across the floor, discarded to foul a corner somewhere. Yeah, Rosetta Stone that, Mother. And have you seen? Do you know the ones who seem to dance without moving at all? I think I'm supposed to be a choreographer for their show. I, however, know the word WALK. It's not in their vocabulary. I'm still trying to get them to not genuflect in the presence of the all-powerful, all-knowing television... AnyWAY...
The rate of unemployment in this great and austere Commonwealth ( gah! 'common--wealth' my arse) has spiked dramatically. Since I did things ass backwards and have four responsibilities and no proper lurnin', I'm screwed. Actually, from what I've inferred even a diploma from an institution of higher learning does nothing to bring the bacon home these days. And fry it? Dream on. In short, if you have a job, bite down. If you don't, I feel you. And if you have one to spare...I'm looking. Maybe even that lady with the sign on the corner is looking as well.

Four hours ago there were crunched up chips and carrot peelings all over the bedroom floor. The brussel sprouts used as an ice pack had slipped off the bed. Yesterday the light hurt, not just the eyes but even the skin. The flu paid a visit, and with obvious pleasure my offspring needed no cajolement to take advantage of my necessary suspended animation. I hate the flu.

The Good, the Bad, and the Mushmouthed

Death by spool? Nearly. Sage and I were almost squashed by this giant metal spool rolling down the middle lane of the interstate. I thought it was a drunk speeding along in the pouring rain, but it wasn't, and I guess it's a good thing that the spool was a better driver than a drunk usually is. The big metal rods and things flying off it were still a little unnerving. It might have been an interesting way to exit, however.

In our house we are all scholars of Sagese. "Open da door!" means "Give me a hug!", "Dat's yight!"--"That's right!", "Heyp me mama, heyp me!"--"Pick me up, damn you!", "Oomphada"--"Spongebob", "Da moon anda staaaz." Well, that one's obvious. God, I love it when kids begin to talk alot. My boys each had a different word for instructions when they were younger. Sean's was constructions, and 'Bastian's was destructions. This also gives some indication of their personalities. Skylar just sprang from my brow spouting complete sentences and snide asides. That girl never entertained with either baby talk or a bedwetting problem. She thinks she's like thirty now. At seven she claims to be a much better driver than me, and she may be right. But just like the world will never know the REAL truth about a Tootsie Pop, we're not going to get to the center of that one for about fifty more years.

ahoneandahtwoandahyouknowwhattodo

Resolutions? Gah! Fuck 'em. I know what I want, and I know I have will the will power. I'm not beating myself up, down, or ass-sideways this year. I'm not worrying over shit. I sat at the table the other night with my kids as they rambled on about the lost lego dude's arm, the aliens Sean drew all over the tiles in the shower, all the things that Sage has almost succeeded in flushing down the john. I didn't say anything, I just watched and listened. Their prattle was infinitely more interesting than most adult conversations. I'm lacking words to describe how completely I loved them at that moment, but how sad I was at the same time because I wondered how much I had missed of them. Sean's ten. Ten?! When the hell did that happen? He's over half-way to being an 'adult'. But no, really he'll be an adult tomorrow. That's really how long it's going to take. I can't even number the times I've been too distracted by some asinine task to actually fully listen to him, or any of the other kids. "Oh really? Well watch where you're going I just mopped there." or "Yeah? Well, you need to go put your crap away." What am I going to do when I'm bent, and grey, and shitting down my leg daily? I don't want to look back with nothing but regret because I was too stupid to listen. Listen. And digest, and strain forth a valid, pulsing response. To understand and laugh with the ease of love. I absolutely adore them. I want to exfoliate myself with their essences, moisturize with their inferences, breathe them like some necessary gas...much needed on a planet as void and hostile as this one can be at times. It's all a balm for old scars, fronds of what is supposed to make everything worthwhile. This year, I'm just not going to miss out on my kids as much. My ears will be more open, my eyes won't wander as much, my brain muzzled, my tongue a little more declawed. I will know as much of them as they will allow because Time doesn't wait. You can't push against it, all you get from doing that is worn out soles and souls.