ahoneandahtwoandahyouknowwhattodo

Resolutions? Gah! Fuck 'em. I know what I want, and I know I have will the will power. I'm not beating myself up, down, or ass-sideways this year. I'm not worrying over shit. I sat at the table the other night with my kids as they rambled on about the lost lego dude's arm, the aliens Sean drew all over the tiles in the shower, all the things that Sage has almost succeeded in flushing down the john. I didn't say anything, I just watched and listened. Their prattle was infinitely more interesting than most adult conversations. I'm lacking words to describe how completely I loved them at that moment, but how sad I was at the same time because I wondered how much I had missed of them. Sean's ten. Ten?! When the hell did that happen? He's over half-way to being an 'adult'. But no, really he'll be an adult tomorrow. That's really how long it's going to take. I can't even number the times I've been too distracted by some asinine task to actually fully listen to him, or any of the other kids. "Oh really? Well watch where you're going I just mopped there." or "Yeah? Well, you need to go put your crap away." What am I going to do when I'm bent, and grey, and shitting down my leg daily? I don't want to look back with nothing but regret because I was too stupid to listen. Listen. And digest, and strain forth a valid, pulsing response. To understand and laugh with the ease of love. I absolutely adore them. I want to exfoliate myself with their essences, moisturize with their inferences, breathe them like some necessary gas...much needed on a planet as void and hostile as this one can be at times. It's all a balm for old scars, fronds of what is supposed to make everything worthwhile. This year, I'm just not going to miss out on my kids as much. My ears will be more open, my eyes won't wander as much, my brain muzzled, my tongue a little more declawed. I will know as much of them as they will allow because Time doesn't wait. You can't push against it, all you get from doing that is worn out soles and souls.